Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies
Safety tips, booze amounts, bake times and nonalcohol swaps for a tequila-spiked holiday cookie recipe.
THIS RECIPE IS STRICTLY FOR MEN OVER THE AGE OF TWENTY-ONE AND UNDER FORTY. DO NOT MAKE THIS WITH YOUR GRANDMOTHER.
Submitted by: Keith from Manchester, England
Yield: One
- This recipe is a tongue-in-cheek, alcohol-containing cookie idea. Only adults of legal drinking age should use tequila in baking.
- Follow normal baking safety: use pasteurized eggs, avoid excessive drinking while cooking, and never perform dangerous actions shown in the parody.
- For workable results, use modest amounts of tequila, standard oven temps and times, or substitute nonalcoholic liquids if you want a family-friendly version.
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Preparation Instructions:
Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl; check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK; try another cup ...just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit, Pick the frigging fruit off floor... Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.
CHERRY MISTMAS!
thespicehouse.com
Frequently Asked Questions
Is this recipe safe for everyone?
No. The recipe calls for tequila and raw eggs. Only adults of legal drinking age should use alcohol. Pregnant people, children, people avoiding alcohol, or anyone with egg allergies should not use the alcoholic version. Use pasteurized eggs to avoid illness from raw eggs.
How much tequila should I actually add?
The original joke lists a whole bottle, which is impractical. For a typical cookie batch, start with 2 to 4 tablespoons (30 to 60 ml) and adjust for flavor. Larger amounts will thin the dough and add more alcohol that may not fully evaporate during baking.
Does baking remove all the alcohol?
No. Heat reduces alcohol but may not remove it completely. The amount that remains depends on how much alcohol you use, oven temperature, and bake time. Expect trace amounts to remain unless the recipe uses long simmering to evaporate alcohol.
Can I make a nonalcoholic version?
Yes. Replace tequila with equal parts lemon juice, orange juice, or water, or use a nonalcoholic tequila alternative. You can also add a splash of vanilla or citrus extract for extra flavor.
What oven temperature and baking time should I use?
Preheat to 350°F (175°C) for drop cookies. Bake 8 to 12 minutes for small cookies and 12 to 18 minutes for denser fruit and nut cookies. Watch for golden edges and set centers. Times vary with oven and cookie size.
How should I prepare the nuts and dried fruit so they mix well?
Chop nuts and fruit into uniform, small pieces. Toss them lightly in a tablespoon of flour before folding into the dough to prevent sinking and sticking to beaters. Mix them in by hand at the end to avoid overworking the dough.
How should I store these cookies?
Cool completely, then store in an airtight container. If cookies contain moist fruit, refrigerate and eat within 5 to 7 days. For longer storage, freeze for up to 3 months.
Are there any safety tips I should follow while making these?
Yes. Do not drink excessively while cooking. Never use tools or methods that could cause injury, such as throwing bowls, using screwdrivers on mixers, or putting ovens or stoves in a dishwasher. Keep workspace clean and use standard kitchen safety practices.
Is this recipe safe for everyone?
No. The recipe calls for tequila and raw eggs. Only adults of legal drinking age should use alcohol. Pregnant people, children, people avoiding alcohol, or anyone with egg allergies should not use the alcoholic version. Use pasteurized eggs to avoid illness from raw eggs.
How much tequila should I actually add?
The original joke lists a whole bottle, which is impractical. For a typical cookie batch, start with 2 to 4 tablespoons (30 to 60 ml) and adjust for flavor. Larger amounts will thin the dough and add more alcohol that may not fully evaporate during baking.
Does baking remove all the alcohol?
No. Heat reduces alcohol but may not remove it completely. The amount that remains depends on how much alcohol you use, oven temperature, and bake time. Expect trace amounts to remain unless the recipe uses long simmering to evaporate alcohol.
Can I make a nonalcoholic version?
Yes. Replace tequila with equal parts lemon juice, orange juice, or water, or use a nonalcoholic tequila alternative. You can also add a splash of vanilla or citrus extract for extra flavor.
What oven temperature and baking time should I use?
Preheat to 350°F (175°C) for drop cookies. Bake 8 to 12 minutes for small cookies and 12 to 18 minutes for denser fruit and nut cookies. Watch for golden edges and set centers. Times vary with oven and cookie size.
How should I prepare the nuts and dried fruit so they mix well?
Chop nuts and fruit into uniform, small pieces. Toss them lightly in a tablespoon of flour before folding into the dough to prevent sinking and sticking to beaters. Mix them in by hand at the end to avoid overworking the dough.
How should I store these cookies?
Cool completely, then store in an airtight container. If cookies contain moist fruit, refrigerate and eat within 5 to 7 days. For longer storage, freeze for up to 3 months.
Are there any safety tips I should follow while making these?
Yes. Do not drink excessively while cooking. Never use tools or methods that could cause injury, such as throwing bowls, using screwdrivers on mixers, or putting ovens or stoves in a dishwasher. Keep workspace clean and use standard kitchen safety practices.
Thanks for a good laugh!
Butter is NOT mentioned in the ingredients but it is in the directions. NOT unless, I’ve had too much Cuervo & either forgot to mention it in the ingredients or just threw it in the directions.
Is it or is it not included in this recipe?
Sounds delicious, either way!!
Don’t leave your grandmother out of the fun! She’ll make sure the cookies actually get done, and keep you from putting the stove in the dishwasher. You’ll have to share a little of the Jose Cuervo with her, but raising your mom or dad, she knows exactly how to “sample” it for quality without anyone being the wiser. Just make sure you sing some songs she knows!
Best First Step EVER!!!
Get the good Cuervo!
These are the best cookies I never had! :)
After all the drinking/ When do you find time to bake them? Ha-Ha-Ha